Indeed, some people are not deserving of your trust. But sometimes, a mistake hurts because it reminds us of previous a wound. A betrayal that is calculated or born of malicious intent is a clear indication that this person is no one you can trust. But mistakes that are accidental and out of character may deserve forgiveness.
Consider the following: Was it a calculated deceit, for example a cheating spouse, malicious gossip or sabotage by a co-worker? Was it accidental, like crashing your car or spilling the beans on a secret? Was it a one-time slip, or does the incident represent a long-standing pattern of behavior? Consider the circumstances: Is your friend or loved one going through a particularly trying time and could this have played a part in the injury? Measure the severity of the betrayal.
Was it mild, moderate or severe? The severity of the betrayal is often going to be a good sign of the degree of pain the other person put you through.
Mild offenses include blurting a secret, telling 'white' lies lies that are told to spare your feelings, as opposed to lies told to deceive you and complimenting your romantic partner in a way that may have seemed flirtatious.
These tend to be accidental and one-time incidents. Generally, if you express your concerns, they are met with an immediate and sincere apology and a promise to be more mindful of your feelings in the future. Moderate offenses include gossiping about you, regularly borrowing money but rarely repaying you and regular disrespect.
These behaviors reflect a lack of consideration and selfishness. It can be difficult to confront someone who seems indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people are just oblivious.
These flawed behaviors can be sometimes be talked through and resolved. Severe betrayals include stealing a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading malicious gossip or lies, and sabotaging you at work or in some other endeavor. These are calculated betrayals, the perpetrator is aware of the grief he or she will cause and does it anyway. In such cases, you may need to seek professional guidance to salvage the relationship, if indeed you decide to forgive.
Part 3. Focus on all the positives of the relationship. There's probably a reason — hopefully a lot of reasons — why you stayed in the relationship. Think about those as you begin to let the other person in. Try putting yourself in their shoes. It's hard to do, and it's not necessarily expected of you, but it will help save the relationship if that's what you want to do. Try to imagine what drove the person to betray you, indirectly or directly. Try to think about how the person feels at this very moment.
You shouldn't make any decisions just because you pity someone, but showing empathy is an olive branch that will mean a lot to the other person. Talk about the incident.
Be clear about your feelings, and give the other person a chance to speak. At the same time, know that asking for specific details can make the pain even worse. Discuss the event. Explain how you interpreted the event and why you were hurt.
Avoid accusatory language. Give the other person the opportunity to explain the situation from their perspective. Establish your expectations and ask what is expected of you. This will help clarify the cause of the current problem, as well as avoid future disagreements. Don't expect to get through talking about the incident in one sitting. Make that clear to your friend or partner. The healing process is going to take some time, and that person should be prepared to talk about it for some time.
If they're not prepared to, that's a sign that they may not care as much about mending the relationship as you do. Depersonalize the incident. Often, hurtful behavior has much more to do with the other person than it does with us.
Rather than face their own issues, people project them onto a close friend, family member or partner. This will help you view the incident with compassion and help you to forgive. Here are a few examples of hurtful behaviors that are not personal attacks: Someone makes a snide comment about your appearance because he or she feels unattractive.
A partner flirts to feel desirable, not because you are unloving or unlovable. A friend is hyper-competitive because she feels inadequate. You are sabotaged by a co-worker because he fears his work is inadequate. Try to keep a positive outlook on things. If you fear the relationship or friendship just isn't going to work, but want to try anyway, you may as well throw in the towel right now.
If you decide to give it another try, believe that it will work, not because you want it to, but because the other person has earned it. Don't constantly live in fear of the same betrayal happening again. Try to get back to normal as much as possible. If you find yourself living in the constant shadow of the betrayal, that's a sign that it's time to get out — both for your sake and for the other person's.
Recognize that we all make mistakes and think about the times you've received forgiveness. Likely, forgiveness gave you the opportunity to be a kind and more responsible human being. Forgiving another allows you to pass that gift on to someone else. I really suggest couple's counseling. There can be a lot of anger and sadness after a partner cheats, but counseling can provide a safe space to explore what happened and what needs to change for your relationship to continue.
Besides that, just realize that building trust will take time. If you and your partner focus on being open and honest with each other and communicating effectively, eventually things can improve. Not Helpful 0 Helpful 1. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
By using this service, some information may be shared with YouTube. Be self-reliant; remember that even if your friend or loved one hurts you again, you can take care of yourself and that it is your opinion of yourself that matters the most. Helpful Not Helpful Demonstrate your restored trust by sharing something important, such as a hope, a dilemma or a responsibility. Be demonstrative of your forgiveness; make an effort to spend time with your friend or loved one. If you decide to continue things with a partner who cheated, consider going to couple's counseling.
It will provide a safe space to heal and figure out the next steps of your relationship. Although rebuilding trust can be challenging when there is a significant breach, it is, in fact, possible if both partners are committed to the process. It takes much time and effort to re-establish the sense of safety you need for a marriage to thrive and continue to grow.
Recovery from the trauma caused by a break in the trust is where many couples who want to get back on track can get stuck. Whether you were the offending partner or the betrayed, to rebuild the trust in your marriage, both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and to one another.
Even in seemingly clear-cut cases of betrayal, there are always two sides. The offending partner should be upfront and honest with information, in addition to giving clear answers to any and all questions from their partner.
This will give the betrayed party a broader understanding of the situation. What happened, when, and where? What feelings or problems may have contributed to this situation? What were the mitigating circumstances?
Even minor breaches of trust can lead to mental, emotional, and physical health problems. Partners may have trouble sleeping or diminished appetite. They may become irritable over small things or be quick to trigger. While it may be tempting to stuff all of the anger and emotions down, it is imperative that betrayed partners tune in and reflect on all the feelings that they have.
Consider the impact of your partner's betrayal on you and others. Reflect on how life has been disrupted including thinking about all the questions and doubts that are now emerging. Make your partner aware of all these feelings. Even the offending partner is encouraged to express any feelings of resentment and anger they may have been harboring since before the incident.
Both parties, especially the betrayed, may be questioning their commitment to the relationship and wondering if the relationship is still right for them or even salvageable. Acts of empathy —sharing pain, frustration, and anger; showing remorse and regret; and allowing space for the acknowledgment and validation of hurt feelings—can be healing to both parties. Building off of this, defining what both sides require from the relationship can help give partners the understanding that proceeding the relationship comes with clear expectations that each person, in moving ahead, has agreed to fulfill.
Both parties must work to define what is required to stay committed to making the relationship work. In communicating this, avoid using words that can trigger conflict e. Instead, choose words that facilitate open conversation and use non-blaming "I" statements. For example, favor "I need to feel like a priority in your life" over "You never put me first.
Together, you must set specific goals and realistic timelines for getting your marriage back on track. Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time and requires the following:. Once the above points have been taken to heart by both sides, talk openly about your goals and check in regularly to make sure you are on track. As the person who compromised the relationship, it may be hard or even painful to be reminded of your wrongdoings.
Remember, though, that the above steps are essential to the process of repair and recovery. As you work on them:. Realize you made a mistake and own it. Do not make excuses for your actions.
Be honest with yourself and your partner about the breach in your relationship. You messed up. In the area you messed up in, you are going to have to over-communicate and be extra cautious to show your partner you are making progress. For example, if you were cheating while your partner thought you were at the gym after work, your partner may have their fears triggered when you make personal plans for the weeks and months to come.
On your way home daily, you may have to call your partner and update them on your whereabouts to help them feel more secured. If you are going to be late coming home, you need to communicate that in advance and check-in.
Like with love languages, each person has a specific way they like receiving apologies. Accept that this may be a long road. Rebuilding trust may be one of the hardest and most time-consuming things you will ever do in your relationship. It will not happen overnight. For the person who got hurt:. Analyze your feelings of hurt.
As the person who was betrayed, you need to understand your feelings. Do not deny or dismiss your hurt. If you plan on staying in this relationship and making it work, you must forgive. But if you are choosing to stay, you need to let go of the offense and work towards reconciliation. Contrary to popular belief, knowing all the details of why your partner betrayed you does not help in the healing process. You do not need to know every detail about the person your partner cheated with or every detail about why they chose to lie.
It is not always about you, so cut yourself some slack. You did not force or drive your partner to do anything. They are in control of their own actions. Nine times out of 10, the offense had more to do with your partner than you. Unresolved trauma, attachment styles, upbringing, character flaws, and so on are things to consider. The bottom line. More On This Topic Love.
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